Lament

Looking out into a room full of people, young, most whom I know, talking, laughing and catching up on old times, I get an overwhelming feeling that I very well might be one of the only people, with the exception of a few, aware of God. Looking, listening, lamenting inside for these people who are fluttering about so aimlessly, or so it seems to me. The whole time I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs God can set you free!!! Free from all the baggage you carry, from the pain you feel, from the emptieness you try to fill with so many other things!
Oh how I wish I could have said something to each person, how I wish I would have ceized that time to just speak of the Lord more... and maybe that was not the time, because in this particular gathering I was more praying for the Lord to shine through and give me the strength the be who I am in HIM and confident in that, which He was my rock and He made me strong when I was so weak! I did not want them to see who I once was, but who I now am! But in that, I became very aware of the change in me and the sameness in them. Not much had changed in them from the last time... I just wish I could give them a taste of the freedom I have found in the Lord!
I realize that a lot of them might see me now as the same person I was in high school... that even though I'm not acting like I had been for a while- after high school, my rebel days, I now have just gone back to being who I was before. But that is not true! While my habits may look the same as they once were, I have been completely renewed on the inside!! I am real, no faking it! No trying to make myself appear "godly", no "i dont do that because i'm not suppose to", NO! I find my satisfaction in the Lord, which makes me just want to have His grace and mercy pour out over me because I know I am filthy and messed up and that nothing I could every do, not even the greatest of all things even comes close to being righteous in the eyes of Christ! Praise the Lord I don't have to strive for perfection because no matter what I will always fail! But I am content with being imperfect and messed up and not having all the answers because I know that despite all that... my Savior has washed me clean and because of that I am able to be accepted by my King! "How refreshing to know You don't need me, How amazing to know that You want me!" ~ Mercy Me... Wow!!
So in all that... my heart aches... I am burdoned... Lord, have mercy on their souls! Lord, enable me to proclaim Your name and make You known! Make me decrease so that you may increase!

My Life... the musical

What are my favorite movies? Well of course the ones with love and real men fighting for the women they love... The Sound of Music, White Christmas, The Notebook... or anything with singing and dancing, Dreamgirls, Mary Poppins, Hairspray...


The more important question is...What are my favorite songs? Well that just depends on the mood, but definitely music that is moving! It has to do something to me, get me good. A lot of music that hits you deep is about love... go figure...it just happens to be the reoccuring theme here...


I am sort of a creature of habit; once I find something I like, I have to have it! And a lot of it! So if I find a song that I like, I play it over and over and over until I know every word and part and am singing it all day long and getting other people to sing it, even if they dont want to! The songs change when a new one comes along... but it always follows the same pattern. I call those songs "My life songs" because they seem to define my life at that time... maybe not actually, but since my life is a musical, those songs are the music playing in my life, so they are "My Life Songs".

"I Want A Love That Will Last" from the Princess Diaries 2 (i dont even know who sings it) was my song for a long time. I discovered it somehow and absolutely LOVED it!!! I just couldn't get enought of it!

I want a little, something more,
don't want the middle, or the one before,
I dont desire a complicated past.
I want a love that will last.
Say that you love me, say I'm the one,
dont kiss and hug me and then try to run,
I dont do drama, my tears dont fall fast.
I want a love that will last.
I don't want just a memory, give me forever,
dont even think about saying goodbye,
I just want one love to be enough,
and remain in my heart till I die.
So call me romantic, well I guess that's so.
There's something more you ought to know,
I'll never leave you, so dont even ask.
I want a love that will last, forever.
I want a love that will last.

And of course there was "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feeling like a child now
cuz every time I see you bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place.

It starts in my toes, makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes, I always know,
You make me smile,
Please stay for a while now,
Just take your time,
Wherever you go.

and on and on... (we all know the words I'm sure... thank you radio!)

Those are just two that really stand out in a long list of them. These two were ones that I probably spent the most times listening to. The play count for these are 34 and 41... hmm... a sign of obsession? maybe compulsion? I dare say so...



When time goes on and I go back and listen to "My Life Songs" it brings me back to that time in my life. It is like replaying the movie of my life in my mind as the words play. It isn't always specific, sometimes it is just a general time span of time, but other times it is an exact event that happened that I get to recal from my life! I love it! I love making my life a musical...

Some day I want to make a slide show of pictures with my life songs and play my life in fastforward! How cool would that be! Knowing me, I can see that never happening, but it is a cool thing to think about. Maybe I could add that to my list of life goals. Actually make my life a musical!

What would life be like without music?? I dare not dream of such a place...

Thank you Lord for music... and my life!

The Sacred Romance

I was listening to the first part of the sermon series The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge. It is really good, I enjoyed it... I have read Wild at Heart, and part of Captivating which is by his wife. Pretty good books, good thoughts. This is my take on the sermon and sort of the highlights from it.



The heart is central... it is far more than feelings... it is the seed of the soul, the core of your being, the truest you... it is the wellspring of life within us. To lose heart is to lose everything!


God gave us a heart so we can live!


If the Lord doesn't take your breath away, something else will.


Our heart's longing is important! It is what drives us... Our thirst, our desires drive us.


Christian women are tired, and christian men are bored... that is the picture in today's churches.


I'm not Martha Stewart, and I dont want to marry Mr. Rogers...


The gospel is not a way to reform society, it is an invitation to LIFE! Life to the fullest, abundantly, overflowing with it!! The gospel is about our thirst... quenching our thirst!


Yes, our heart is wicked, we have to guard it! But the Lord gives us a new heart! We have a new, good heart! That is what the new covenant is.

Where are all the men?

Yes, that's right, I said where are all the men? I don't understand how I can live in a town and go to a school full of so many people, so many males and find so few men!! I mean sure I look around me and I see lots of Y chromosomes strutting aroung, thinking they are men, but really, really?? You have got to be kidding me! Is that it! That is what a man is suppose to be!?

Not that I am looking for a man around me everywhere I go, well i mean, it's possible, I am a girl... but really. There are a few places I will admit to really looking for men and that is in the church. I'm not talking I go to church to scope out the males to see which one I think is the cutest or would look best next to me on the alter, no not at all, shame on me if I did.

I mean where are the men in the church who are not afraid to stand up and be a man? Who have the courage to do what is right, to stand up for the Lord, for their faith, for good women! Those guys who will genuinely tell you that you are a good woman and support you in where you stand as a woman of the Lord. I mean, yes, I understand that is the role of the husband and that should come with marriage. But what about being a man of the Lord just for the sake of the Lord and to encourage your Christian sister? We are told as women to support, encourage and affirm our husbands/fathers, or our brothers in Christ. So why can't the men do the same?? If I am a single girl waiting for the Lord to send me my husband, it makes it awfully hard to be pacient when all the other girls (notice I said girls... not women, that is on purpose, I'm not talking age either) are getting attention! Not that I am starving for attention, I'm not! I know my God loves me and thinks I am wonderful! He satisfies me, PRAISE THE LORD! But why is it that the men of the church don't seem to see that? Is it too much to ask to be encouraged and affirmed in where we stand in the Lord too?

It really shocks me when the encouragement I do get comes from those guys who do not have it all together with the Lord. Not that you have to have it all together with the Lord, no no no, hello, I wouldnt be saying this if that were the case! But it is the ones that seem to have a lot more going on than being devoted to the Lord, of course I could be wrong, what do I know, I'm just a silly girl/woman...
But the point is, they respect me enough to appreciate who I am in Him and vocalize it! I mean, in my mind, that takes a real man, to stand up and say, "There are not a lot of real women out there and you are one of those few." To be told that you are something very special and to never let a man treat me any less!

YES!! That is exactly what the Lord says about me! Thank you! Thank you for confirming it and recognizing it!

The men of the church should take note (not that any of them blog/read blogs or not like I have more than 1 reader- yay Karen)... support your sisters in Christ!
I can say some pretty crazy things and I will admit, I am a pretty silly girl a lot of the time... but deep down I am a woman of the Lord and by golly I think that is important!!

I don't want to sound too harsh or like I am trying to degrade all the men of the church, that is not my goal at all!! I am simply being honest... this is an area that needs some work in my opinion!


"The King is enthralled by your beauty" Psalm 45:11
"You are altogether beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you" Song of Solomon 4:7
" I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14
"And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:4

Let's start at the very beginning

Well, believe it or not, I actually brought myself to creating a blog! I feel like I have accomplished something great! Quite silly if you think about it, a silly littl blog, written by a silly little girl! I'm not quite sure if anyone will every read it, beside Karen, whom I expect to read because she is sort of the reason for me doing this... Way to go Karen! But, I guess that is why I named it a soliloquy... its sort of more for me! And I just really like that word, it makes me sound so educated! A dialogue with myself... but written down in neat organized form so that I can go back and look at the silly things I was thinking and laugh at my silly little self! Quite exciting I guess! Now I have an excuse to talk to myself! YAY!

Well... it starts in my soul, and I lose all control! Wherever, wherever, wherever, it goes, I'll always know... that it makes me smile, even just for a while! ~Bubbly by: Colbie Caillat

It's not too late for a soliloquy... and its not too late for dignity... and it's never too late for apologies! ~Apologies by: Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

It's just the right time for Samantha's Soliloquies!!